Gardella 14

14    O'Malley was the one who finally broke the silence.  "I've got a plan," he said, "but it depends on the weather."  While Gunny & I looked at him in surprise--we' d gotten used to expecting nobody but the Dragon Lady to offer any plans--she said, "I would like to hear it.  But with any plan we must finish off all the Communists & get away quickly.  & there must be no survivors who might send out a message."   "O'Malley began, "You may think I'm daft, but first hear me out.  You know how afraid they are of ghosts."  Gunny was giving him a hard look, but the Dragon Lady put up her hand to give O'Malley a chance.  "If we could spook them," he went on, "scare the hell out of them & then have people hit them from the rear..."  While Audy made a gesture toward his head that showed what he thought, the Dragon Lady was saying, "It might work."   O'Malley then explained his plan in detail.  He wanted some of us to rise from the midst of the field where the bodies were as though we were ghosts & walk straight into the Communist camp.  Covered with mud we'd certainly look like corpses just risen from out there.  But the rain would have to have stopped giving some visibility before it would work.  "Yes," the Dragon Lady agreed, "they do frighten easily.  & that would perhaps distract them long enough for us to attack & finish every one of them off.  Remember:  no one must be left alive to send out any warnings."   Since she though it had a chance to work, all at once it became our plan.  She got everyone together & then divided us into five groups.  Four would attack from the sides of the camp & the fifth would play the challenging & dangerous role of the dead who had been raised.  The Dragon Lady, Gunny, Audy, O'Malley, the lieutenant & I along with several others made up this group.  The Dragon Lady was to fire the first shot to signal the attack.   We moved out with the wind & rain driving as hard as ever.  Crouching low, wading through mud & water, we sloshed into the field where I tried not to look at the corpses.  Covered with mud until they were partly submerged, many revealed neither sex nor age except for the very young ones.  The size of the children made them unmistakable; those tiny bodies made me so angry that as at no other time I actually wanted to kill the soldiers who had been responsible.  & if O'Malley's crazy plan worked my chance to do it might come.   When we'd moved about ten yards in from the road our group spread out & we lay down in the mud & water waiting for dawn & a break in the weather.  The dawn we were sure of, the weather we could only pray for.  After we'd waited for what seemed to be hours light finally appeared in the east.  As I looked around me the first thing I could see was the outline of the body nearest me.  I closed my eyes not wanting to look.  Opening them again I realized that the wind & rain had both died down as though approving of our scheme.   While I slowly turned my head to peer across the road at the Communist camp the Dragon Lady came crawling toward me through the mud.  Speaking softly she told me that Scotty & Charlie were prisoners.  For a second I was relieved just to hear that they were alive.  Then I began to remember the kind of thing that was done here to prisoners of whatever side.  Still lying motionless she whispered, "We must continue with our plan."   The forms of the Communist sentries were now becoming visible only yards away.  there would have been no way to hide there if the fields hadn't been strewn with corpses.  As I tried to erase the image of them from my mind I heard voices.  Lying there afraid to move, with our weapons wrapped, we were never more powerless than at that moment.  The pounding of my heart brought a new wave of terror as I heard the voices growing louder.  What now came into view was a group of what appeared to be farmers, perhaps thirty or forty of them all ragged & muddy with their hands bound behind their backs being herded in our direction by Communist soldiers.  I scanned the group for any sight of Scotty or Charlie but didn't see either of them.  A soldier who seemed to be an officer was shouting orders to the others.  Obviously this was the field of execution.   With a sudden deliberate & yet fluid motion the Dragon Lady stood up.  Holding her weapon behind her she gave a low moan.  Then the rest of us, our weapons hidden, rose likewise & moved slowly toward the road moaning as we went.  Through the morning mist I saw that I was part of a skirmish line, an assault carried out by ghosts--& that we had scared the hell out of those soldiers.  As they panicked & ran screaming a few of them dropped their weapons.  The prisoners were every bit as frightened & their flight added to the confusion.  The terror was catching; soldiers pouring out of their tents were in a panic even before they saw us.   From the size of the bivouac & the number of men I'd seen running I guessed there were about a hundred soldiers.  Thus far not one had turned to look at us.  Then an officer appeared to have grasped the situation.  From a distance of about twenty-five yards he began to bark orders, drawing his pistol meanwhile.  From the speed of her response it was clear that the Dragon Lady had been watching for this moment.  Tossing away the wrappings from her weapon she let loose a burst of gunfire that knocked him off his feet.  At that the rest of us began firing.  In the slaughter that followed we had not only surprise & superstition on our side but also confusion as the farmers started running for freedom.  Now the four other groups of our force caught the Communists in a crossfire that finished them in a few minutes.   Audy was the first to reach Scotty & Charlie; he was untying them when I got there.  I could see that they were alive & in fair shape though Scotty had been slashed badly & Charlie had a deep ugly wound in his scalp.  "For awhile, lads," Scotty told us, "you had me pretty frightened too; I really thought the dead had come to life."   O'Malley coming up behind me roared at that.  We explained as we introduced him to Scotty that it had been his idea.  Now Gunny & I helped Scotty to his feet.  "Can you make it?" I asked.  "Aye, I've been worse, I've also been better."  He turned to O'Malley.  "& thanks for your help.  "I'd do it any time," he replied, "but now I believe we're going in different directions, so I'll be saying goodbye."  & he shook hands all round.   "If you have trouble, try to get word to us," the Dragon Lady said, "you know our direction."  "You're a remarkable woman," he told her, "& I thank you for your offer.  but John O'Malley has been looking after himself for quite awhile now; got to be moving on."   After one more round of goodbyes O'Malley was off down the road alone & on foot, a stranger in a dangerous country.  I've thought many times since about how China had its way of converting the likes of O'Malley, Audy, Scotty, maybe even myself.  To what?  Different customs, a different way of life, a new way of seeing the important things?  I'm still not sure.  When he was about twenty-five yards from us O'Malley halted, turned, waved & shouted, "God bless you all!"  As we waved back I couldn't help saying softly, "God bless you too, John O'Malley!"   Then the Dragon Lady was assembling us once more.  Once we had picked up as many of the slain Communists' weapons as we could carry we were off.  We saw no one--the weather had taken care of that.  The road was muddy but easier going than the land around it would have been.  From it we had a broad view of the field where the slaughter had taken place.  I stood there sickened yet hypnotized until Gunny slapped me on the shoulder to get me moving.   Seeing that Charlie needed help I pulled up alongside him & lifted his arm around my own shoulders so that we could walk together.  Though Charlie was still a little dazed, Scotty seemed to be in good shape.  We'd lost only one man in rescuing the two of them.  As I looked around at our group, faces splattered, hair matted, clothes caked with mud, I could understand how O'Malley's trick had succeeded.   We were marching into a fresh wind.  Before us I could see the canal.  Then the Dragon Lady signaled a halt; she conferred for at least fifteen minutes with a scout who had just returned--which meant, I could be pretty sure, that a new plan was being hatched.  by now I'd lost track of the number of changes of plan & I wasn't surprised to hear her announce, "We have a boat but we shall not go to the Grand Canal.  We shall go on the Hwang Ho instead--& it will take us to Laichow Bay.  That is near Weihai."  "& Weihai," I exclaimed, "is where we get the boat to Seoul!"  she nodded & all at once what had been a kind of dream seemed close--a thing that was possible, that could really happen.  & knowing that brought a new kind of uneasiness.  What had kept me going up to now was lack of hope--not giving a damn.  I didn't want to change that all of a sudden, it would make a nervous wreck of me.  I tried not to think of all this, to force my mind in other directions as we trudged on.  The sun had come out & the wind was drying the mud that still covered most of me.  When I began to brush it from my clothes the Dragon Lady cautioned, "Don't clean up too well; you should look like a farmer or a Mongol."    After twenty minutes or so we met two more of the Dragon Lady's scouts.  They told her the Hwang Ho was only a mile away & that there was a boat waiting for us.  "The owner of the boat is a friend of mine," she said, "& he will take us to Laichow Bay.  Also he has a radio."   A radio meant contact with Americans--another sign of how close we were.  Once again I tried not to think about what it meant.  The Dragon Lady ordered us to leave the road & to form into two columns, one on either side of the road.  We moved like this for so long that I lost all sense of time.  Finally as we descended a slight hill two large expanses of water lay before us:  the canal on one side, the Hwang Ho on the other.  Several junks were tied up at piers on the river & the Dragon Lady headed for one of these with her usual sureness, as if it were something she did every day of her life.  People at work on the piers or repairing boats in the water glanced at us but didn't seem concerned.  Following her cue we went aboard.  She pointed to a cabin, told us to go inside & then leaped back onto the pier.  Inside the cabin which was dark & stuffy we found three men to whom I nodded, not knowing what else to do.  They nodded back with no sign that they were either startled or worried at seeing us.  Audy explained presently that there were to be two boats & that the Dragon Lady was dividing up our people between them.   Soon the Mongol lieutenant was aboard along with the others assigned to our junk.  I could hear the crew preparing to cast off with still no sign of the Dragon Lady.  I was beginning to be nervous & at seeing from the cabin porthole that the lines were cast off, my heart started to pound.  Then out of nowhere she came into the cabin.  She had been on board up front the whole time.  She told us now, "You must stay away from windows & doorways, out of sight.  Before long if all goes well we shall be at Laichow Bay."  In a couple of minutes we were under sail, out on the river & moving swiftly with the current.  The Dragon Lady motioned for Gunny & me to follow her.  "We shall try the radio," she explained as she led us into a smaller cabin just behind the other.   "What is your call sign--your call letters?" she asked.  Gunny & I stared at each other looking blank.  "Christ, I don't know," he said.  "Do you remember if Lieutenant Damon said anything about a frequency?" I asked him.  "No, dammit!  We were none of us briefed about any such thing.  Now what a time to think about it!"   The Dragon Lady spoke to the captain who started fiddling with the transmitter, tuning in on various frequencies.  We could hear the static & voices fading in & out.  Then after some time we heard an American voice:  "Eagle One to all eagles.  Return to nest, return to nest.  Acknowledge, over."  "Jeez, Gunny!" I said.  Sounding as excited as I was, he said, "How do you work this?"   "Press it to talk," the Dragon Lady said, "release it to listen."  Pressing the button with his thumb, Gunny said, "Eagle One, Eagle One, can you hear me?  Can you hear me?"  He released the button & waited.  There was no answer.  He pressed the button & spoke into the mike again:  "Eagle One, I'm an American, can you hear me?  Come in, for god's sake!  I don't have a call sign!  I'm an american, come in!"  Again he released the button, we waited, & again there was nothing.  "Dammit!" Gunny barked, "Why don't they answer?"   "They do not know who you are," the Dragon Lady said quietly.  "& they do not want to give their position away.  Neither do we; so we must stop now so as not to give it away."   "Code," I said.  "Wait a minute!  When we landed in Manchuria, what was the password the lieutenant used with Yen?"  Gunny looked at me trying to remember.  Meanwhile the boat captain had been fiddling with the radio.  Frantic, I said, "What's he doing?  He'll lose them!"  "He has to remain in contact with his friends," the Dragon Lady told me.  "They are watching the Communists for us."   "But hell," I insisted, "we'll lose them!"  But behind the angry annoyance my mind was searching for the password.  I paced up & down, groping, then I shouted, "Quick!  Sand!  Quicksand!"  The operator went on fiddling with the radio.  "I remembered the password!" I shouted.  "So let's send it, let's see what happens!"   But when the Dragon Lady looked up it was with bad news.  "The Communists have gunboats at the mouth of the river in Laichow Bay; we must go ashore."  "Can't we try the password once?"  She spoke to the captain, then told us firmly.  "No, not now, they are too close, they might pick up our position.  We shall have to wait."  "But where will we get another radio?"   "As soon as we leave the captain will call someone--someone on shore who has a radio.  We can try to send the message from there."     I asked how long it would take us to reach Weihai.  "A few days--if all goes well," she said.  Then she stared at me & asked as though out of nowhere, "Have you decided now what you will do?"   It took me a second or two to realize what she meant.  Then I remembered that I had said I wanted to stay.  I hadn't thought about it in any systematic way but now that we were so close to actually being at the sea I knew where my wishes were aimed.  "I think I'm going to go," I said.  "I'll miss you & I'll miss Nancy & Kim; but at least I'll see them once more."  The Dragon Lady replied softly, "You will not see Nancy & Kim again."  "What do you mean?  Why not?"  Suddenly I was upset & surprised at the emotion that surged through me.   "They have started back to Inner Mongolia where they will be safer.  Our journey has become dangerous with so many people.  So I had to send them back."  She looked at me & I saw her eyes go soft as they rarely did.  "Please do not feel you were deceived, I know you cared for them, but it had to be done & quickly.  It is better this way."  I said soberly, "I know you did what you thought was right."   Just then we felt the boat bump gently alongside the pier.  I welcomed the interruption.  The thought of not seeing Nancy or Kim had brought me closer to what I dreaded even more--the thought of not seeing her again either.  Out on deck the captain gave us baskets to hide our weapons in.  The day was warm & pleasant, the water was bright in the sunshine.  We were all smeared & caked with mud--a total mess.  Without hesitating I took a flying leap & landed in the water.  "Come on in," I yelled & in a minute they had joined me--Gunny, Scotty, the Dragon Lady, even Charlie--for a leisurely bath before we waded ashore.  Our skins & our clothes were now a couple of shades lighter.  Feeling the water run from my sopping hair on my face I asked Gunny if he had a comb.  "Got something on the line?" he teased & I gave him a shove that sent him back into the river.   While we were still splashing & shoving each other the Dragon Lady was assembling her people from the second boat.  We would be bidding goodbye to most of them before they began the long trek back to Mongolia.  In no time they were on their way, leaving only a small group of us to head for the sea:  the Dragon Lady, Gunny & I, Scotty, Audy, Charlie, the Mongol lieutenant & three of his men.  Staring at the backs of the departing group I felt a tense sadness.  This was the end of something.  I didn't know what might be beginning but the long journey with them was over.  Then almost at once we were also moving on.   The ocean of mud left by the storm was already draining & beginning to dry out.  Now there would be only an occasional slight dip in the terrain.  Altogether it was as flat as anything I'd ever seen.  After we'd gone a mile or so a village came into view & we headed toward it.  The place seemed strangely solitary.  Not many people were working the land around it & inside the walls I saw no more than fifty people with perhaps half a dozen huts.  We were led by a villager to one of these.  Audy told us, after listening to what he was telling the Dragon Lady, that this was the shack with the radio.  Though I was eager to try it the Dragon Lady said, "No, we shall eat first.  The villagers suggest caution because the Communists are near.  If we have to flee I should like to do it with full stomachs."   While we ate Scotty told us what had happened to him.  He & the others had been passing some soldiers on the road when suddenly they found themselves in a fire fight, for no reason that they could see.  "They had the jump on us," he said.  "Some of our people got away, most were cut down.  They overpowered Charlie & me & wanted to shoot him on the spot.  But I told them he was too important, their superiors would be angry."  He smiled.  "I believe they thought we were you."  He looked at Gunny & me.  "Good thing we weren't lads, or you wouldn't have come to rescue us."  When the meal had ended the radio was brought from its hiding place somewhere within the hut.  The Dragon Lady began tuning carefully & while we listened an American voice broke through.  "It would be good if we had some sort of call sign," she said.  I urged, "Try Quicksand."  "But that was only a password & countersign, " Scotty told me.  "Something to use in the field, not the same thing at all."  "All the same," I persisted, "what have we got to lose?"   The Dragon Lady pressed the button to transmit & spoke into the mike.  "Quicksand, this is Quicksand, come in."  We waited, all we heard was a crackle of static, we waited more, still nothing but the crackle.  Scotty said, "Let me try.  Maybe the accent is scaring them off."  While he picked up the mike the villager who had come in with us spoke to the Dragon Lady & she explained, "He is afraid that if we transmit for too long they will know our location.  Then the whole village may be in danger."   "Maybe they're not hearing us," I said, feeling depressed.  Audy put a hand on my shoulder.  "It's the right frequency, they're just not answering."   The Dragon Lady went on conferring with the villager--asking him, Scotty explained, about another transmitter somewhere out on the road.  "In an hour we can try again," she said.  If that failed, she went on, we had two choices.  One was to go to the coast, to Laiyang, where we might find someone with a portable transmitter we could use.  Then we could travel south along the coast sending messages as we went.  "That'll be bloody dangerous," Audy interjected.  "We'll be trapped with our backs to the water with nowhere to go if we're found out."  & Scotty agreed.  The Dragon Lady nodded silently.  Then she said, "The other choice is to head back to Mongolia."  We all groaned.  Then I said, "You people have got to get back there whether we get out or not.  & how many times can you roll the dice without crapping out?"   I said it as much to myself as to anyone else.   The Dragon Lady looked mystified & Gunny started to chuckle.  "It means rolling the dice many times & being lucky & then finally not being lucky," he explained.  "Oh," she said earnestly, "I shall remember that"--& we all laughed.  But Gunny had turned sober again.  "Suppose we go to the coast," he said, "what are our chances?"  The Dragon Lady said, "They will depend on whether we can make radio contact & get help before we are found.  If they find us first we shall not have much room to move & there will not be many of us to fight..."  Her voice trailed off.  Then she brightened.  "We roll the dice," she said, "But we shall be lucky."  "I never won anything in my life," I told her, trying a feeble joke, "but I'm willing to bet on you."   All business again, she said, "We must have some sort of code, a signal for the radio.  Something so that the Americans will need to talk to us.  Something... "  We all sat puzzling over the problem until Scotty jumped to his feet.  "The message Roberts had on him!  Do you remember how it went?"  While I tried, still drawing a blank, Gunny slapped his hads together.  "Get that radio working! he shouted.  The villager ran up the antenna again & Gunny said, "I'm going to send this message & then we run like hell for the coast!"  He picked up the mike.   "Command post," he said, "this is Quicksand, Roberts, Roberts.  Six ships sunk.  Will not return.  They feel the same as most of us.  But hung his name on anyway.  Sing a song to Jenny next.  Quicksand, Quicksand, can you hear me, over."  The son of a bitch had remembered every word!   While we listened Gunny repeated the message, this time pacing his words, taking care to pronounce each syllable.  Again there was no answer.  After he'd tried one more time, still with no response, Scotty said, "They're bringing the brass in on this one.  Give them five minutes, then try again."  The villager was beginning to look concerned & the wait seemed to go on forever before Gunny said, "Let's have a go at it."   & this time the answer came!  "Quicksand, Quicksand, this is Spec One, do you read me, over."  I slapped Gunny on the back; he ignored me.  "Spec One, this is Quicksand, affirmative, we read you, over."  "Quicksand, this is Spec One, what is your approximate location, over."  Gunny stared at all of us for a second, then he spoke into the mike again.  "Spec One, this is Quicksand, we are near Onion, we are near Onion, over."  "We read you, can you stand by?  I say again, can you stand by?"   "Negative, we cannot stand by," Gunny answered.  "I say again, we cannot stand by, we are moving, will call you tomorrow morning, tomorrow morning; do you read us, Spec One, over."  "We read you, Quicksand, loud & clear, we have your approximate location, we will wait for your call tomorrow morning, over."  "This is Quicksand, affirmative, tomorrow morning, out."  Ecstatic, we broke into a cheer.  "I kept it short," Gunny explained, "because I figured we were being monitored.  Give 'em time & they could triangulate our position."  "Tell me one thing, Gunny," I said, "what in hell is Onion?"  "Hold on a minute & I'll tell you," he said.  "I remember when I was in Korea I was looking at a map of China.  I saw this place, L-i-e-n-y-u- n, & I pointed to it & asked one of my buddies how it was pronounced.  Lienyun--sounded to me just like Onion.  Throwing that at them I figured we'd be close but not too close."  I said, "Too close to what?"   The Dragon Lady said, quick as always, "He means that the Americans will not be the only ones plotting our location.  We cannot even be sure those are real Americans we spoke to; they could be defectors in the pay of the Communists.  What is good is that we are not really close to Lienyun, not close enough to be there by tomorrow morning."  "You're some shrewd son of a bitch," I told Gunny admiringly.  He said, pretending to be hurt, "Took you awhile to find out!  But now we've got to be cutting out of here.  They'll be looking for us."   While we got ourselves ready the Dragon Lady was having a lively conversation with the villager.  After the rest of us had gotten our gear together & gone outside, she & Audy came out carrying a large basket.  When I asked what was in it, she said, "The transmitter.  The owner has made us a gift of it; but it is better for him too not to have it any longer."  While I peered inside the basket at the portable radio with its handpowered generator I saw Charlie waiting with an expression that made me uneasy.  "Now I must say goodbye," he told us.  "My injury is not all healed; you will be traveling fast; I will only slow you down.  Instead I will prepare for our trip back to Mongolia.  That way I can do more good."  Charlie's words gave me another jolt.  I thought of Nancy & Kim.  Every time I left someone now it was for the last time.  I went over & gave Charlie a bear hug & once again I had to turn & walk away so as not to be seen with tears in my eyes.  I had been through more with him in a few weeks than I would in a lifetime with most people.  While the others made their farewells I realized that what I felt about Charlie I also felt about everyone else in this strange exotic crew.  When--if--Gunny & I ever got out of here I knew I'd be leaving a sort of family behind.   We marched off at top speed.  From our full strength of a hundred now we were down to just nine--the Dragon Lady, Scotty, Audy, the four Mongols, Gunny & me.  The afternoon was warm & as our clothes dried out completely I began to feel parched, but we traveled without stopping for a drink.  I thought how strange it was--drowning in water one day, thirsting for it the next, one day nothing but mud, the next day nothing but dust.   We cut across country keeping to narrow footpaths, avoiding main roads.  We now saw few people.  Fatigue was already creeping up on me & Scotty had told us it would take two days to reach Lienyun--if we didn't run into any trouble.  It was a relief when with darkness approaching the Dragon Lady signaled a stop.  But it was only to tell us that we would not get there in time unless we traveled faster.  Now, she said, we were going to run.  She turned & broke into a trot.  We all followed & to my surprise, though my legs had been bothering me, with the change of pace they actually began to feel better.  But it wasn't long before I was sweating heavily & feeling limp.  We jogged for at least an hour before the next stop came.  I sank to my knees, sucking in deep breaths, feeling drained of strength, breath & water.  "Don't drink too much," she cautioned, "just moisten your lips & take a sip.  We shall rest five minutes, then we run again."   The five minutes passed quickly.  I saw that Gunny was exhausted too, so was everyone.  But once again when the Dragon Lady was on her feet we all managed to follow somehow.  As I ran my mind slipped into a kind of trance.  I recalled incidents from my childhood, the sports I'd taken part in, the training for this mission, all the running we'd done then.  & now an odd thing happened.  With my mind wandering off I'd ceased to keep an eye on the Dragon Lady & wasn't ready when she stopped short.  There I was chargining into her like a runaway buffalo, knocking her down & falling over her.  We'd all been in such close quarters for so long that the physical contact in itself was nothing new.  What happened now was that I realized in a way I hadn't before that she was a woman.   Slowly I began pulling myself off her & at the same time helping her up with my hands underneath her shoulders.  I had never been quite that close to her before or touched her body in quite that way.  Our eyes met & stayed locked in the same steady gaze.  I heard Scotty saying, "Why don't we all take a breather?"  Her shoulders felt strong & wiry yet delicate under my grasp.  "Are you all right?" I finally asked.  "Yes," she answered, "are you?"  I'd never heard quite that sound in her voice before.  "Yes, I'm all right."  "Soon you will be going home," she whispered.  "Yes," I said.  "I guess so, it won't be easy."  Then I leaned down & kissed her gently on the lips.  I hadn't had much experience as a ladies' man & God knows I hadn't planned this.  We just stood & looked at each other again until she dropped her hands from my shoulders & we pulled apart.   After a minute she had the old amused look.  "Shall we run all night or shall we rest?" she said.  "I think we should follow Scotty's recommendation"  "Then let's tell them."  We walked over to where Scotty, Gunny & Audy were sitting.  The Mongols as usual headed off by themselves.  By now it was dark.  I took out a skin bag of water & we each had a long swig.  We hadn't sat there long before the Dragon Lady was asking whether we had the strength to go on running through the night.  There were hills ahead of us, she said.  Also, we could not run during the day without arousing suspicion.   Though no one was eager to run again we all agreed that we had to do it.  This time as I ran my thoughts were all of the Dragon Lady & the way she'd looked & sounded.  I wondered how I could want to leave whatever it was that she was to me.  I asked myself what there was at home.  My emotions were so confused that I all but broke out laughing at the thought of us nine taking such incredible chances to reach the sea for the sake of somebody who couldn't even be sure he wanted to go!   But also as we ran I loosened up & began to appreciate the task we'd undertaken.  There was a moon now & I could see the terrain getting hillier.  The ups & downs put a strain on my wind as well as my legs.  The next time the Dragon Lady signaled a stop I took a sip of water that went down the wrong way.  I started coughing & for some moments I couldn't stop.  The Mongol lieutenant came over looking worried & put a hand on my shoulder.  He said something to Audy who explained, "He's offered to carry you."  "No thanks," I told him as soon as I could speak.  "Tell him I'm okay." I was embarrassed all the more because there was no doubt in my mind that he could have done it.  The Mongols were carrying the food, water, radio & weapons, but in all our running they never broke stride or asked for a rest.   As we resumed our run I found myself worrying about the next message we sent.  Each time we transmitted the Communists would be one step closer to locating us.  We took one more break just before sunup.  With the first light of dawn I felt a little safer; all through the night in the back of my mind there had been the fear that we might stumble onto an encampment of soldiers.  With light showing in the east the Dragon Lady quickened the pace for one last sprint before the cover of darkness was gone.   Once the sun came up my aches turned into pains.  I wondered about Scotty, Gunny & Audy, all of them a good deal older than I was.  When it was full daylight we paused on the side of a hill near a clump of trees.  I saw the Dragon Lady standing there, her hair blown by the breeze, the rags she wore outlining the shape of her body.  I was looking at her in an entirely new way now & I told myself I'd better stop it.  While the rest of us slumped to the ground grateful for the rest the Mongols stationed themselves a little apart from the line of trees.  One of them had taken my binoculars for the first watch.     After a silence the Dragon Lady turned to Gunny & me.  "When you first sent the message you used a name--"  "Quicksand," I said.  "No, no, it was a man's name."  "Roberts," Gunny said.  "Yes, yes, that's it, Roberts.  Who is he?"  "He was a CIA agent from the States, or anyhow that's what I think he was."   She thought for a moment.  "So they think you are this agent, this Roberts, calling."  "Well, if they do they're in for some surprise," I said.  The more I thought about this the less I liked it.  But I was too exhausted to brood for long.  In a minute or two I was sound asleep.  The voices of Gunny, Audy & Scotty woke me.  My legs ached.  When I asked how long I'd been asleep Scotty answered, "A couple of hours."   The Dragon Lady had been off talking to the Mongol lieutenant, now she was beside me.  "How far to Onion or whatever it is?" I asked.  She said, "We could reach it by tomorrow morning."  "Only we told them this morning," I pointed out.  "They will wait."  "Because they think we're Roberts?"  She did not answer.  Anyhow we had enough other things to worry about--such as the message we were going to transmit right now.     Soon the radio picked up the American voice.  "Quicksand, Quicksand, this is Spec One, do you read, over."  Scotty flipped the switch to send.  "Spec One, this is Quicksand, read you loud & clear, over."  "Quicksand, have you reached destination?  I say again, have you reached destination, over."  "Spec One, this is Quicksand, we need another day, I say again, another day to reach destination, over."   "Affirmative, Quicksand, will look for you same time tomorrow, be as quick as you can, the business is over, be as quick as you can, over."  Scotty flipped the switch again.  "Spec One, this is Quicksand, we have a man ready for the world, we need shipment, we need shipment, do you read, over."  The voice came:  "Loud & clear, Quicksand, one package for shipment, one package for shipment, over."  "Spec One, will be at destination tomorrow morning, need shipment quickly, cannot wait, need instructions, over."  "Hold on that last interrogatory, Quicksand.  Can you call back after dark?  Say again, can you call back tonight?  We will have orders, over."  "Wilco, Spec One, will call back after dark, out."  Scotty snapped off the radio & turned to us with elation in his face.  We all began to cheer, hug & pound each other on the back.   Then for a second or two the Dragon Lady clung to me.  I said softly now, "I may really be leaving soon."  "Are you happy?" she asked.  "I don't know," I said, "part of me wants the trip to start all over again, I know that's selfish but it's true."  "Yes, I know," she said.  We strolled away from the others full of things we wanted to say but couldn't & after a moment we reluctantly returned.  "The package ready for shipment," Audy announced.  "The battered package ready for shipment would be more like it," I told him.  "Or rather, two battered packages."  I looked toward Gunny waiting for the laughter to begin.  Instead there was an embarrassed silence.  Then Gunny said, "No, Rick, I'm not going."  "What?"  "That's right, Rick, I'm not going back."   Looking around I could see that the others already knew.  What I couldn't take in, what I couldn't handle just then was that everybody had known but me.  "Since when is all this?" I blurted out.  There was another pause.  Then Gunny said, "Rick, I'm no traitor, you know that, & I'm no coward."  "But you don't want to go home."  "That's right, I never had a home, Rick, except the Corps.  & after what happened to us & what I've seen here I'm staying."  "But in less than a year you'll have twenty & you can retire!"  "Ricky, you've seen the way the government treated us.  They couldn't care less.  They'd find a way to screw me out of my pension too."  "Gunny, that wasn't the government!  I was beginning to yell.   Then Gunny was yelling too.  "Wake up, kid.  the government is supposed to know what its forces are up to.  If it doesn't even do that--then God help us all!  & even if I did get the pension," he went on in a tone that was quieter but grimmer, "could I retire on two hundred a month?  I'm thirty-six years old & I've been in the Marine Corps for nineteen of those--more than half my life.  what am I supposed to do with myself now?  I'd been in two wars & still that bastard CO in Korea was all set to have me court-martialed.  I can do without that bullshit!"   "& here you'll be in the middle of a war that goes on all the time," I said.  "So that's what I know how to do anyhow.  I got nothing back in the States, no friends, no family, no job; so I'm staying."  I asked, "Then why did you keep it a secret from me?"  "I wasn't going to change your mind about going back.  Once we got close to the water I knew you'd have to change it again."  "I don't know how you can be so sure."  "You've got your whole life ahead of you, kid.  You've got family.  Also you've got to go back & tell the story of what we did."     I looked around me angry with everybody.  "First you sneak Nancy & Kim away," I said, glaring at the Dragon Lady, "& now this."  It shook me to see her look at me the way she did then--as though I'd actually hurt her.  I'd never seen this steely woman so near to crying.  She said, "I didn't want them here because I was afraid you would decide to stay.  That was part.  Part was that I was also afraid for them, that they would not be safe."  Now I was unhappy with everything including myself.  But I said, "I understand," & then "I'm sorry."   She shook her head as though she didn't think I understood at all.  Tears rolled down her cheeks.  "You fought here with us, Khan; you are a brave man; but now you must go home.  Let me say to you what my father told me once.  He was a wise man & he told me, 'Life is a beautiful miracle & it is given only once.  The choice you make can never be made a second time.  Enjoy what you have chosen; never look back; look forward & live the miracle.' "   It took several minutes for what she had been saying to sink in.  Finally I said, "I'll always remember what you told me."  & I've never forgotten.  Then she said something else I've never forgotten.  "Khan, although you have fought bravely here, your fight is not over.  You may have another war to fight when you are at home."   When I asked what she meant, it was Scotty who answered.  "Your group was sent over on a mission.  It seems clear to me, lad, that you were never supposed to go back.  Now after you've done what you've done, seen what you've seen--now there may be people who will not want you back, not want you to tell your story."  He was saying things I'd been afraid to think through.  Gunny joined in then, "Because maybe no one is supposed to know about our mission.  Maybe they don't want anyone around to tell about it.  Remember, it's most likely Roberts they're expecting to pick up.  They may be in for one hell of a surprise, don't forget."  By then I couldn't think of anything to say.   "We shall speak about this again later," the Dragon Lady said, & soon we were hitting the road again--walking fast now rather than running, passing many people at work in the rice paddies.  All the while my mind was racing.  Gunny would stay in China--alive & by choice.  The bodies of Damon, Craig, Holden & White would all remain.  Sally & Yen had died but at least on the soil of their own country.  I thought of them & of all the bodies I'd left behind--scores of them, the Chinese & the Russians I'd killed.  Could I justify all that killing even in a country where killing was a way of life?  I found the Dragon Lady walking beside me looking up at me.  I wondered whether I'd been talking to myself.  She asked, "Are you all right?"  I smiled & said yes.  I reached out to take her hand & held it for awhile before I let it go, thinking again about whether I really wanted to go back.  The Dragon Lady had probably been right about sending Nancy & Kim away.  I'd come to feel very close to them both partly because they were young like me.  & they might have influenced me to stay if they'd been with us now.  But no, I'd made up my mind; the thing was decided for alot of good reasons.  Well then, why did I seem to keep forgetting what those reasons were?   The day had become hot & sticky & when we came to a stream I was happy to jump in for a quick wash.  But the Dragon Lady had warned that we were in a dangerous area & would have to keep on moving.  Everywhere people were working in the ricefields.  Though we skirted them wherever we could while holding a direct route to Lienyun we often wound up sloshing through the wet fields as a shortcut.  Though wading slowed us down & was hard on the legs, after awhile once again I could feel my legs loosening up.   As the day ended we went even faster.  Clouds partly covered the moon but there was enough light for us to see where we were going.  As I adapted to the pace it began to seem almost comfortable.  At the same time I was becoming rather lightheaded & it didn't seem long before we were stopping for a rest.  Once we were on the move again I felt a strange tension growing among us.  Like a scene in a grade B movie it seemed quiet--too quiet.  & that I didn't like it.  The small group drew in closer together at the risk of losing its scouts--the Mongols carrying our gear, now close to us instead of moving in isolation.  Near the top of a hill we stopped.  While the Mongols fanned out again as security we set up the radio.  Establishing contact this time was not so easy.  I had almost fallen asleep when I heard, "Quicksand, Quicksand, this is Spec One, this is Spec One, do you read, over."   What made this so crucial an exchange was not having any code; instructions for the pickup would have to be given in the open.  Spec One's information was as guarded as possible--pier number four at first light tomorrow, with no mention of Lienyun itself.   Almost immediately one of the Mongols came in & after a frantic exchange with the Dragon Lady he raced off again into the darkness.  He had learned, she told us, that a large group of people, perhaps fifty or more, were coming toward us.  Whether they were soldiers or not she did not yet know.  While the Mongols patrolled the five of us who were left took out our weapons & waited, stayling low.  When the Mongols finally emerged from the darkness they brought with them two men who looked distraught.  They had come, the Dragon Lady explained, from a village about a mile off where Communist soldiers were torturing & killing people--especially children.  "We have a decision to make," she said.  "Decision?" I helfted my machine gun & said, "Let's go."   The Mongols sped into the darkness & we followed running.  Almost immediately I began to sweat.  My heart was pounding.  How much longer could our luck hold out?   We could hear the crackle of gunfire muffled at first by a fold of the hills.  As we got closer a glow appeared in the sky; racing between two hills we found the village on fire & now we could hear both the shots & the screams of people in pain.  The Dragon Lady signaled a halt.  "We cannot run in blindly," she said.  "We must see what is happening."  As we dropped to our knees & positioned our binoculars the Mongols appeared on the slope & spoke quickly to her.  "They are killing everyone," she told us.  "They have gotten the children together & put them in the school."  We spread out; then at her arm signal we sprinted in a skirmish line toward the village.  My thoughts as we careened down the hill were more confused than they had ever been--& yet it was all so simple.  We were close to the sea.  If we got through this, I was thinking, this would be the last combat for me.  If we didn't it would still be my last combat.  I brought my machine gun to the ready as I ran.