Gardella 15

15   At the edge of the village bodies were strewn about.  No one had seen us yet, & the Dragon Lady & I crouched together out of sight of the others among the buildings.  Four soldiers stepped around a hut that was perhaps twenty yards away, spotted us & pointed.  When I raised my weapon they merely stared--& then for reasons I'll never understand they burst out laughing.  For an instant I froze, but in what would otherwise have been a fatal moment the Dragon Lady fired a burst that knocked down the four of them before they could get off a shot.  The firing was ricocheting all around us.  I fired back in the direction it seemed to be coming form & we ducked between two huts.  But soon it was apparent that the soldiers weren't shooting at anything in particular.  They might almost have been drunk & they were in as much danger of hitting each other as they were likely to hit us because there were so many more of them.  While I watched in fact that was actually what happened, as the rain of bullets continued & the Dragon Lady went on firing.  Now I could see Gunny across the road firing from behind some sort of cover while the Dragon Lady was leading the way to the school.  Running, we kept low, using the huts for cover, & waved for Gunny to join us.  We stopped firing as we moved through the village & the soldiers' shots tapered off as well.  Thinking of the soldiers who had laughed I wondered whether everyone hadn't gone crazy.  "The school," the Dragon Lady said, pointing to a large building, & we headed for it.  Gunny & Scotty had caught up with us.   Gunny kicked in the door & the Dragon Lady & I went inside.   Years later that scene would come to me as one of the worst of my bad dreams.  In a far corner half a dozen kids huddled together crying.  Almost a hundred others had been butchered.  I was all the more shaken because of the Dragon Lady's reaction.  Her hold on her machine gun tightened until I could see it quiver.  Then she turned & would have run out--except that I reached out & stopped her just as Scotty pushed through the doorway & had his first glimpse of the slaughterhouse.  Looking around we counted five living, whimpering children--the oldest possibly three years old, the others hardly more than infants.  Why they had been spared there was no telling.  The others ranged in age all the way from babies to teenagers.  The walls were sprayed & splotched with what looked like red paint but wasn't, it was blood.  I turned away myself & the Dragon Lady said, "We must see if any of them are still alive."  Then Gunny, Scotty & I began going from one child to another picking up one body & then laying it down again next to the others.  Halfway through Scotty had to go outside; I could barely control my own stomach & as soon as I got outside I heaved my guts.  The final count was ninety-eight bodies.   What had become of the soldiers wasn't clear.  Meanwhile the Dragon Lady told us to consolidate & get to high ground before a counterattack took place.  Scotty & I each lifted two of the surviving children & Gunny grabbed the fifth.  We got out quickly making our way to a ridge beyond the town from which we looked down over the burning houses.  Suddenly the Dragon Lady asked, "Where is Audy?"  While the rest of us stared she was saying, "You wait here!" & had taken off down the hill.  Realizing that it was too late for any word of protest I quickly put the two children on the ground & started after her.  "Be right back!" I called out.   The four Mongols who had covered our withdrawal & were now making their way uphill likewise turned & followed as we tried to retrace our steps among the huts, but without finding any trace of Audy.  Then the Dragon Lady sent the Mongols to comb the outlying areas while she & I waited in the doorway of a hut.  I wondered how long we could wait, not knowing how many soldiers were left alive or where they might have gone.  It seemed that the town had been deserted though until a squad of soldiers dashed by.  We were concealed & held our fire.  Then the Mongol lieutenant came striding toward us with Audy over his shoulder, two of his men following.  They paused among the huts to reconnoiter before making a dash across the open space that separated them from us.  All this happened very fast.  I saw that Audy's back was covered with blood & then the Dragon Lady was signaling to the Mongols to keep on moving.   After I'd gestured to the lieutenant that I'd carry Audy for awhile & been waved off, I ran back with the Dragon Lady toward the high ground.  The lieutenant was close behind us while two of the Mongols again covered our withdrawal.  I asked the Dragon Lady where the other Mongol was & she replied, "Do not worry about him, he will get away."  We had no sooner reached Gunny, Scotty & the five children than the Dragon Lady ordered us to pick up the children & be on our way.   Keeping to the line of the ridge we moved off even though the fourth Mongol had still not appeared.  With Audy hanging like a sack over the lieutenant's shoulder there was still no telling whether he was more than barely alive.  One of the kinds I was carrying had fallen asleep.  The other had discovered my ear & was busy playing with it.  There was a sudden halt as the Dragon Lady discovered that the radio had been left behind.  While two of the Mongol lieutenant's men went back for it we had a chance to lay Audy on the ground & see how he was.  I was relieved that there was no blood coming from his nose, mouth or ears, though he'd been hit twice in the back & had lost a lot of blood.  As Gunny & I were leaning over him he opened his eyes briefly & looked as though he might be trying to say something, but all he could do was cough.   "Easy, buddy, easy," Gunny said, & Audy managed a smile.  His breathing was hard with a rasp.  We all looked at each other with the same worried question & then Scotty said, "Let me look after him for awhile.  You three go & get some rest."  The Dragon Lady, putting one hand on my back & one on Gunny's, led us off into the darkness.  We'd sat there for awhile, none of us saying anything, before I finally asked the Dragon Lady, "What was going on with those soldiers that made them so crazy?"   "Like a bunch of zombies," Gunny said, & I agreed.  Only zombies could have done what they did in that schoolhouse.  Thinking all over again about the frightful bloodbath we'd seen there I couldn't handle it anymore.  Trying to control myself only made it worse.  I threw myself face down, landed my forehead on my machine gun & lay there shaking.  I could feel Gunny & the Dragon Lady both leaning over me & Gunny was saying, just as he had to Audy a little while before, "Easy, buddy, take it easy."  Once I'd gotten a grip on myself I felt a bit ashamed.  Why the hell was I feeling so sorry for myself when we had those five children to worry about?  "The kids," I said, "is anybody looking after them?"  "They're all sleeping," Gunny said & for some reason I started to cry again.  "We shall have to take them somewhere that is safe," the Dragon Lady said.  "You know that now we cannot reach our destination by morning."     "Who cares?" I yelled.  "I don't give a damn when we get there!"  Then a kind of stupor came over me & for awhile no one said anything.  "But about those soldiers," I asked finally.  "No one normal would act that way."  "They were not normal," the Dragon Lady said.  "They were machines.  Before a battle they are given a drug in their food or their drink or else they smoke it, so that when they fight they do not know what they are doing; it makes them unafraid."   There was silence again until Scotty walked over to us.  He took a deep breath & said, "Audy is not doing well; I've stopped the bleeding but he had already lost a good deal.  The bullets went straight through him.  I tried to close everything up as best I could, but..."  He took another breath.  "I had to push things back into place...."  He dropped his head looking exhausted.  When the Dragon Lady asked if we could help he only shook his head & went back to watch over his old friend.  Then came the bellow that was the Mongols' signal & in a couple of minutes the lieutenant & his men were back bringing the basket with the radio in it.  With that worry disposed of our main concerns now were Audy & the children, & after that the question of the delay in our schedule.  In answer to the first the Dragon Lady said, "There is a village near called Kenyu where I have friends.  We can leave Audy & the children to be cared for.  But we shall not be able to reach Lienyun by the morning."   "Will we make it by tomorrow night?" I asked, & when she said yes I was suddenly struck by an idea:  we could radio to ask for a twentyfour-hour delay which meant we'd have twelve hours' leeway--time to look things over instead of just walking in.  Gunny asked, "Will they wait another twentyfour hours?"  "I think so," the Dragon Lady said.  "It is a good idea, Khan, we shall do it; now we must get started."   We picked up our burdens & took off at a fast trot in the moonlight.  Soon from a ridge we could spot the village.  The lieutenant put Audy down gently; we did the same with the kids who were drunk with sleep, & the Dragon Lady & two Mongols went down to negotiate.  Before long everything had been cleared, & with a reminder from the Dragon Lady that we must slip in & out quickly we had entered the town & were following her into a hut.  A group of women were already waiting there to take the children & in another room others immediately started tending Audy.   After one long look at the man & the children I'd never see again I made my way with the others back to the high ground.  The pace became more exhausting as the ground got hillier & steeper.  Nobody was talking.  I kept thinking about Audy & about the third Mongol.  It now seemed clear that he would not meet us--which meant that he must be either dead or captured.  After awhile we stopped to bivouac & set up the radio.  While I sat with my back propped against a rock, resting, Gunny came over & joined me.  I said, "You know, I'm going to miss you, you son of a bitch."  I could see his grin in the moonlight but his voice when he spoke was serious.  "Same here, kid.  I never really had a friend in my life before; but you, Ricky--you're a friend.  I figure if you have one friend in your whole life then you're ahead of the game.  If I ever have a kid I hope he'll be like you."   I was so touched that I could only growl a little.  & I knew he was just as uncomfortable with so much emotion.  "So now, kid," he said, "I'm going to find myself a place to sack out; see you in the morning."  He got up & walked off a little way.   The Mongols were out there somewhere in the darkness & Scotty--who could fall asleep faster than anybody I ever met--was around on the other side of the rocks.  I slid down & stretched out on the ground right where I was.  In a couple of minutes just as I was beginning to doze off I realized that the Dragon Lady was sitting next to me.  "Now it is very peaceful," she said, "& soon, Ricky, you will be gone."  "Ricky?" I said, a little scared at hearing her call me that, "No more Khan?"  she had propped her head on her hand & she lay there looking at me in the moonlight.  "You are not Khan the warrior now, you are Ricky."  I said, "Maybe some day I can come back."  I didn't quite know what I was saying but I meant every word when I whispered, "I'll never meet anyone like you."   She put up her hand & touched my face.  "You do not have to tell me anything," she said.  Her face was close now & I leaned over & kissed her.  Then I put my hand on her hair.  Then I ran my hand down her back.  Then I pressed her slim little body against mine.  I could feel every inch of her from her face down to her toes responding.  We were together when I woke.  She was still asleep--the first time I had ever seen her sleeping.  I didn't want to wake her but neither did I want to be seen with her like this.  When I tried disentangling my arm from her, she woke.  She gave me a smile, raised her hand & ran it over my face.  Then abruptly she sat up.  "We must get on the radio."   We found Gunny & Scotty already fiddling with it.  Had they seen us together?  One look at their faces was all I needed to know that they had.  But there were no remarks from anybody.  Scotty said, "Shall we try?"--& at a nod from the Dragon Lady he began fiddling with the transmitter again.  "Spec One, Spec One, this is Quicksand, this is Quicksand, do you read us, over."  He had to repeat it twice more--while we all got more & more jittery--before the answer came.   "We have a delay," Scotty told them, "we cannot make destination on time; I repeat, we have a delay; do you read?"  "Loud & clear," the answer came back.  "Interrogatory- -what is the cause of the delay?"  Scotty ignored the interrogatory.  "We have a twentyfour hour delay; we need twentyfour hours; over."  "We will give you twentyfour hours, no longer; say again--twentyfour hours, but no longer."  "Loud & clear," Scotty replied.  "Rendezvous in twentyfour hours; out."  The Dragon Lady told us now that it would take only two or three hours to reach Lienyun.  "We shall wait so that we arrive in darkness."  "What the hell are we going to do all day?" Gunny asked.  The Dragon Lady smiled.  "Rest."   & that is what we did.  We lay around all day in the warm sun with the Mongols patrolling as seemed to be their nature, until the shadows began to lengthen.  That was our signal to be on our way--to whom or whatever it was that would be waiting.  The last thing we did was to hide the radio among the rocks.  It was an unnecesary weight now that we didn't need it anymore.  Then we were off & in less than three hours we came in sight of the South China Sea.  It glistened in the moonlight as we made our way down to the beach where we huddled together on the sand while the Dragon Lady sketched out the area.  The fourth pier, our place of rendezvous, was perhaps half a mile away.   The four of us were to approach it through the water armed with knives, while the Mongols wrapped the rest of our weapons & carried them overland to meet us.  It was less likely that they would be stopped & they would be nearby to act as a support once we'd boarded the boat.  After we'd left the weapons & bandoliers with them there was a brief rehearsal & then we headed into the water, holding our footing as long as we could & then swimming parallel to the beach.  Soon we could make out the piers in the darkness.  The moon disappeared behind the clouds & that was a good sign.  While the Dragon Lady swam in an arc to find the right pier & then the boat I followed with a slow breaststroke.  Finally, treading water, she pointed to a large two-masted junk among the pilings.   The whole ocean seemed to be at our backs as we closed in.  I could make out a figure walking along the deck; then it disappeared through a hatchway.  We found a ladder near the stern.  The Dragon Lady signaled silence with a finger to her lips; then, with her knife's blade clenched between her teeth she positioned herself to climb aboard.  I lunged, intending to go ahead of her, & clamped my hand above hers on the ladder.  Though she shook her head I insisted & finally she moved aside for me.  With both hands on the ladder I listened a moment or two & then carefully & quietly pulled myself up out of the water, moving slowly to avoid the least splash.  Moments later with my head at deck level I could take in the entire boat from one end to the other.   Though the moon was out luckily our side of the boat was a shadow.  Seeing no one I hoisted myself onto the deck & darted for the cabin door.  Glancing back I saw the Dragon Lady's head appear; I waved her aboard & she glided toward me like a cat, with Scotty & Gunny behind her.  As we positioned ourselves on both sides of the cabin hatchway & I reached for the knob we heard a man's laughter inside & then the sound of a second & a third voice.  We stepped back into the shadows & I whispered, "The weapons!"   The Dragon Lady vanished into the darkness; then she was back with the three Mongols & our guns.  Armed with those we moved back to the hatchway.  She whispered, "We go on the count of three.  Do not shoot unless it is necessary."  She held up one finger.  With my machine gun gripped firmly in my left hand I unsheathed my knife with my right & held it at the ready.  Two fingers.  Then three.  Gunny threw open the hatch, slamming it against the bulkhead, & we bolted through, down two steps & into the cabin's interior before fanning out while the Mongols covered our rear.  My wildest imaginings could not have prepared me for the shock that would come in an instant.   A few feet away three men sat at a table with filled glasses before them.  Caught by total surprise they sat frozen in place for several seconds while we stared at them & they stared back at us.  It was a deadly silence.  Then Gunny broke the quiet, "Holy Mother of God!"   He spoke for me as well because I saw the terrible truth.  Of the three Americans or whatever they were, I recognized one at once.  A rage came over me--over all of us--that I've lived with ever since.  A calculated breaking of faith by our own people had caused the deaths of our comrades.  We were trained, sent on a mission & abandoned--purposel y.  The man turned white.  Then he blurted, "You're--how in hell...?"   "You know him?" Scotty asked.  "We know him."  "Watch this," said Gunny quickly.  "Spec One, this is Quicksand; do you read, over."  "You worthless bastards!" snarled one of the others.  Then quickly assuming an air of command he spoke to me, "Stand at attention; where's Roberts?"  But my eyes never left those of the one man I knew had betrayed us.  "We know him,"  I was in a cold fury, "just like we knew that bastard Roberts.  This is the other one who trained us, & threw us to the wolves."   It was all in the open now & both sides knew it.  The countless nights I've lain awake thinking about what happened next have all ended in a question--could it have been different?  Conditioning by teamwork & unrelenting fighting over the last three weeks had accounted for our survival.  Killing the enemy was the important goal if you survived; & here was the enemy.   Suddenly it happend, so quickly that our response together was reflexive.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw the third man lunge for a weapon leaning against a nearby bulkhead & that triggered the two others to do likewise.  Diving across the table I drove my knife into the body of the man who had trained & betrayed us.  The blade entered where the chest merges with the throat & when I pulled it out he was dead.  Quickly I turned to see that Gunny & Scotty had made quick work of the two others while the Dragon Lady & the Mongols looked on.  No shots were fired:  it was silent work with cold steel done according to the law we'd lived under in China:  kill or be killed.  As I looked at the bodies the reality of what we'd done for revenge & survival hit me.  We had killed three Americans.   I felt Gunny's hand on my shoulder trying to steady me as he said firmly, "Three Americans, Ricky, but not our people."   In a frenzy I shook his hand off.  I turned over the table, I punched at bulkheads, all the while screaming at the top of my lungs.  Gunny, Scotty & the Dragon Lady had to wrestle me down.  The Mongols who had come rushing in now stood over me with expressionless faces.  At a word from the Dragon Lady they & then Scotty left the cabin.  In a few minutes I could feel the boat underway.  Calmed by exhaustion I tried to get my thinking clear again.  Finally I asked, "Where are we going?"  "Out to sea," the Dragon Lady said.   I stared at the bodies on the floor.  "You see what we did."  I said it to no one in particular.  Gunny said, "We killed three bastards; they were playing games with us & the last one they played, they lost."  I sat there stupefied, wondering what we could do now.  "We can't just go out to sea," I said.  "Between the Communists & the Americans we'll get cut to pieces."  The Dragon Lady answered, "We must get out, away from here; then we can use the radio; we shall keep moving to make it harder for anyone to find us."  "They''ll find us," Gunny said.   "They'll find us," Gunny said.  "Yes," she agreed, "they will find us; but now search through those men's pockets.  Perhaps you will find something to help with the radio."  It was awhile before I could bring myself to go & help Gunny.  When I did I found in the pockets of the man who'd trained us a wallet containing an ID card with a photograph.  It read, UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.  The name on it was James Strong.  Again the bewilderment.  Why would an American intelligence agent carry ID papers?  What was going on?  While I stared at it Gunny was saying, "Tell me, kid, do you still want to go back?"   The question stung like a whip.  "I've got to find out," I said.  "Do they think we're traitors?  I've got to find out."  Gunny gazed at me.  "You don't think you'll get a straight answer, do you?"  While I stared back he said, "Rick, you're not going to be able to get them; I can smell it now."  Pointing a finger at him I said slowly, "We'll see about that.  & I'll tell you one thing more:  they're going to know I'm back, they're not just going to write me off!"  Gunny's face changed.  He nodded slowly.  "I know what you mean.  & you're right."  He turned to the Dragon Lady, "The question is, can he get back?  Can we stay close enough to shore to broadcast & beach the junk if something happens--& then run like hell back across China?"   "Yes," she answered, "we can."  "Well," he told her, "it's a long shot, but we don't have much choice."  He looked at me hard.  "She said a few days ago that once you made up your mind you wouldn't change it."  "That's right," I said.  "I did choose to go back; & by all that's holy that's what I'm going to do; whether they like it or not."   The Dragon Lady said there was something she must do & hurried from the cabin.  that left the two of us with the corpses.  "Better search these other two & get it over with," Gunny said.  It wasn't a pleasant assignment & my own search turned up nothing.  But then Gunny was shouting, "Look at this!"  He held up a card.  Turning it to the light I read out loud, "United States Foreign Service.  Aleksei Kutuzov."   I was just saying, "What would that be, German?" when the Dragon Lady came back into the cabin.  She said quickly that it was a Russian name.  While we both stared she added, "Perhaps he is one who works for both sides."  To this day I have no clearer idea than I had then about who trained us or where their orders came from.   "Whoever they are," I said then, "the question is, what the hell are we going to do with them?"  Gunny said without hesitation, "Feed 'em to the fishes; like any other garbage."  The Dragon Lady concurred.  She shouted a command through the hatchway & in a few moments the two Mongols had come in & were dragging the bodies out.  "We shall feed them to the fishes," she said, "to the fishes who swim down deep!"  Gunny said, "Okay, now we send a message."  We headed for the radio room where in a couple of moments we were joined by Scotty & the Dragon Lady.  "Well, here goes," Gunny announced, "either we make contact real quick or we start running like hell back to Mongolia."  He pressed the button to send.  "This is Quicksand, this is Quicksand, we are Americans.  This is urgent, I will not say again; if I don't get acknowlegment we'll defect, we go straight to the Commies.  We'll go straight to Mao if we have to; will tell everything; everything.  Acknowlege loud & clear--or God help you & everyone.  We're standing by, over."  We waited.  The radio operator was obviously calling in the communications officer.  In a couple of minutes we had an answer.  "Quicksand, who are you mister?  We're in dark here; need specifics; give more identification, over."  Gunny replied, "This is Quicksand, we are Americans waiting for a pickup off the mainland.  Strong & Roberts are gone, that is all I can tell you.  Say Wilco or we return to mainland...& God help us all.  give me a call sign, over."  The answer came.  "Quicksand, interrogatory- -can you tell us the star of 'The Outlaw?'  Say again, who is the star of 'The Outlaw,' over."  Gunny looked at me puzzled.  "Jane Russell," I told him, & he transmitted it.    The reply came back at once.  "This is Eagles Nest, Quicksand; correct on interrogatory; need coordinates; say again, your location, over."  Gunny looked at me.  "If we give a location from the charts we're dead ducks."  He hesitated.  "I'll try Onion," he told me.  "Strong understood that one; let's hope these guys will too."  He sent the message:  "Eagles Nest, this is Quicksand.  We are two miles east of Onion.  Repeat, we are two miles due east of Onion, over."   Christ, I said to myself, how many times before the Communists know we're at Lienyun?  But Eagles Nest, apparently not understanding right away, asked us to stand by.  While we did I wondered about Eagles Nest.  Wasn't this the command post for those same bastards, Roberts & Strong?  We waited getting more & more nervous.  Then the answer came, "Quicksand, this is Eagles Nest.  We have your approximate location as two miles due east of Onion.  Hope we understand you.  Can you head due east from your present location, over."  "This is Quicksand; wilco; due east; how long to pickup, over."  "Less than two hours" was the answer.  Then Eagles Nest said, "We hope you're authentic; if you're not, the devil take you."  Gunny was running with sweat as he spoke, but what he said was simply, "Likewsie, no sweat, out."  Then he put down the mike.  "Well, it's done."  "What happens now?"  With all the doubts I had about Eagles Nest I couldn't help shaking at the thought that I would soon be on my own.     It was Scotty who answered.  "We're taking the small boat to shore.  You're staying aboard this one.  The currents will take you east without power; you can't risk running a motor.  Then, lad, you're on your own."  The leave-taking I hadn't dared imagine was quick.  It was also emotional & my tears flowed freely:  Gunny throwing his arms around me, then Scotty embracing me, the Mongol guards clasping my arms & their lieutenant with his right hand on my left shoulder, repeating the only English word he knew, a word he'd first heard after I fought him:  "Friend."  Seeing how shaken I was, Scotty cut in to lead me to the wheel.  "It's a calm sea, lad, you shouldn't have much trouble."  Then he climbed down into the small boat which now rode free in the water.  The Mongols were already waiting, steadying the boat by grasping the ladder.   Before he finally climbed down Gunny handed me a folded piece of paper.  "Keep it with you," he said, "it's for you to read--you & the people who pick you up."  Then he turned & jumped into the small boat without looking back.  I felt the Dragon Lady's arms around my waist.  Turning to receive her head against my chest I realized what I'd already forgotten, how tiny she was.  Leaning down I put my arms around her, lifted her until her face was even with mine & kissed her on the lips.  "I love you."  "I love you."  She climbed down the ladder quickly.  Through the darkness I watched them cast off & then wave.  After awhile they were barely visible; then there was nothing.   Alone I found myself clutching the rail as though for support.  Then I reached up to finger the rosary beads I'd worn about my neck ever since Kim gave them to me.  I wept long & hard.  I watched the water as the boat cut cleanly through it.  A sudden chill seized me; rushing to the cabin I retrieved my machine gun & took it with me to the bow.  Remembering the note Gunny had given me I reached into the pocket of my tattered pants, unfolded & read it.   Dear Rick,   First, I hope you understand why I'm staying--because I found what I wanted, just like Scotty did.  but the important thing is that I have found out from the Dragon Lady a way to check & make sure that you are safely back in the States.  Sometimes when you pick up the telephone & it's a salesman, just listen.  Then you can tell him to bug off.  Through friends we can check & see if they are leaving you alone.  If at anytime something happens to you we will take matters into our own hands even if it means going to the Communists.  I don't think the bastards will want that, so they better lay off you.   Don't think every telephone call you get is going to be from her friends.  It won't.  You won't even know, neither will the bastards.   So long & God bless you.  We all love you.         Gunnery Sgt. Robert Masters, USMC    Special Force Group One, China     The moon had gone behind clouds, it was dark & there was no one now to see me shivering in my wet clothes, lost & crying.  What had I lost?  What was I gaining?  What lay ahead?  A thousand miles in twentytwo violent days through the heart of China with death stalking us every step of the way to the eastern coast & now waiting for a rendezvous with my people.  My people?  Hadn't I just left my people?  Your other people, a voice seemed to say to me.  Why was I crying?  Because I had been involved in so much killing?  You'll just have to live with that.  Can I?  You'll have to.  I'm afraid now.  Afraid of what?  Of what they'll do to me.  You've got another responsibility now.  I know that.  But there's something else.  Like what?  I've learned something.  What?  I don't know how to say it:  a sort of discovery; mine; but I'm not sure what it is.  What is it?  I'm not sure; try; I can't; yes you can, name it; I'm not very good with words, I'm seventeen, I...Name it.   It's just that I've learned so much in the last three weeks.  Enough to last a lifetime.  In a way it has been a lifetime.  Before words like brotherhood, compassion, love were only words.  Now I think I know what they mean.  Not bad.  What's the matter with that?  But not just because the Dragon Lady & I...I know.  It's more than that:  there are Kim & Nancy & the baby I rescued.  Anybody else?  Gunny, Scotty, Audy, Charlie & John O'Malley.  & many others.  So what's the matter with that?  I can't stop crying.  Why bother?  It can be good sometimes.  You know, all these things I have trouble finding the words for I learned from a strange people.  I had come as a stranger & was made welcome.  You are very fortunate--for that reason if for no other.  "Let not thy heart be troubled."  The ancient comforting words.  Touching the rosary.  Sobbing softly now.  "Remember the miracle."  I could almost hear her speak those words by which I would live.  A sudden breeze chilled me & then as quickly as it came it died.  Then there was no sound but the waves against the side of the boat as the current carried me to my mission's end.       I don't know how long it was before a powerful thrust upward broke the surface less than fifty yards off.  Moments later along the starboard side I could make out the conning tower of a submarine.  Clutching my machine gun I watched for the next several minutes as a small dark shape bobbed its way toward me, & when it appeared alongside I saw it was a manned rubber raft.  Then through the darkness I heward a crisp American command:  "Ahoy topside; show yourself."   Aboard the submarine no one said a word; & I was hustled into a cabin.  I saw a clean bed & a sink--everything spotless & in order.  After a minute there was a rap on the hatch & three men came in.  One of them was an officer; I smiled at them; nobody smiled back.  The officer asked, "Who are you?"  "I am PFC Lawrence Gardella, Special Force Group One, United States Marine Corps."  It's no wonder he stared at me, I suppose--ragged & bruised, with a string of green jade rosary beads around my neck.  "& just where did you come from?"  I'd been ready for that.  "I'm sorry, sir," I told him.  "I cannot say any more than that."  "Who else was with you?"  "I can't say that either, sir."   After staring for a second or two longer he turned to one of the men with him.  "Get this individual a bath & some chow; & some decent clothes."  Glaring at me now, he said, "I'll talk to you later."  He wheeled & made his exit.  The hatch closed behind him.  A couple of minutes later another sailor appeared.  "First a shower," he said, "then some chow."  He actually smiled, he seemed the friendliest of the lot.  But I wasn't exactly getting a hero's welcome.   After my first shower in a month I put on the clothes they'd left for me.  They weren't a perfect fit but they were an improvement on what I'd been wearing.  The same sailor was waiting to lead me back to the cabin where I found a tray with soup, coffee & pudding on it.  As soon as I'd finished everything I slept--I don't know for how long.  When I woke I couldn't remember where I was.  As soon as I did I stepped outside the cabin.  Two sailors intercepted me.  I said something about wanting to take a walk & one of them said, pleasantly enough, "Sorry, this is a submarine not an aircraft carrier."  "Okay then, how about some more chow?"   "Right away," he said.  He seemed a nice enough guy.  I went back into the cabin, sat down on the rack, started to doze & was almost asleep again when the food arrived:  bacon & eggs, ham, pudding, coffee, milk & juice!  I was halfway through when a couple of corpsmen in white coats walked in.  One had a tray with some medical paraphernalia on it.  "Time for your shots," he said.  "We don't know what you might be carrying."   I held out my arm for him to swab.  They gave me the shots & were gone.  The last thing I remember of my stay aboard the submarine is the sight of their white coats framed by the hatchway.  From May 30, 1952 through the entire month of June I was pretty much out of it, although I remember the voices I heard now & then.  In particular I remember a meeting with someone--someone very special.  Before I put down what I remember of that though there are a few things I should tell you about the rest of my life.